Page 14 - Community Living Magazine 36-1

family

How I brought my brother back

When his brother Reuben called out after becoming withdrawn and unwell during lockdown,
Manni Coe knew he had to act. They made a home in a rural cottage, where Reuben gradually
showed his resilience and recovered, and their story is told in a book

y younger brother Reuben sent His health, mental and physical, Together with my partner, who was
me a text message in November deteriorated at an alarming rate. He stuck in Spain, family and friends, we
M2021. It was a simple question became a mere shadow of the person he began to create a safety mat of love and
with no question mark: “brother. do. you. used to be. The image of him staring support that might enable Reuben to crawl
love. me.” I knew instinctively that it was a through his window as photographer Eddy out of his winter hibernation and walk the
cry for help. Pearce took a portrait for archival project high wire with me. Everything appeared to
Reuben had been isolated from Bridport Lockdown is harrowing. frighten him. Everything was too far, too
everything he knew and loved, shielded in So, in November, I isolated as best I noisy, too bright, too difficult. Slowly,
a care home in Dorset, hanging on for so could in Gibraltar and travelled to the UK, though, we began to find a way through.
long and his resilience was waning. His masked and paranoid. I bronapped him With travel restrictions changing at
message got to the heart of the issue, in and we went into isolation in a friend’s an alarming rate, it looked like we
his typical direct way, without mentioning cottage in rural Dorset. would be alone for the holidays. I sent a
the actual problem. message to Jack: “Please try and get back
I showed the message to my partner, for Christmas!”
Jack, and we both knew that I had to go When he arrived, I knew I was no longer
and “bronap” him. alone. I had my man back and together
“Go and get Frodo out of there,” Jack we could face the invisible enemy of
said. Jack is the third member of our Reuben’s sadness and anxiety, together.
trilogy and the Samwise Gamgee to Everything became easier. You see, in
Reuben’s Frodo (I am Gandalf the Grey). our little family, two’s a crowd and three’s
Reuben, 39, is the youngest of my three company. My hobbits were together again
brothers and has Down syndrome. He had and, as a united threesome, we could once
been living his best life with us in more explore the valleys of middle earth.
Andalucía, Spain, before he had a Reuben’s mental and physical health On Christmas Eve, I looked on as they
breakdown in September 2018. deteriorated rapidly during lockdown hugged and giggled on the other side of
What brought it on? Did his panic attack the table. Their embrace and seeing the
happen due to heat, caused by his isolation We spent the following 26 weeks trying flicker of light in Reuben ́s eyes was the
living in a foreign country and not speaking to get to the core of our brotherhood. My only Christmas present I will ever need.
the language or by coffee-induced wingman was wounded, oh so wounded. Hope was restored but only for a while.
palpitations? A mid-life crisis? As a family, He wouldn’t talk, he didn’t want to eat, go After the holidays, Jack was called back to
we tried to put him back together again. for walks; he only wanted to sit or lie work in Spain. The next day, the nation
down on his bed, hiding. was locked down.
I spent every day trying to ease him out
How long would this go on for? How
I hoped the book would help of his frightened state. I reached out for were we going to get through this? I
him to find his voice again and him but he was not ready to take my begged Reuben to talk. I begged him to
realise his important role in hand. Patiently, I waited. try and get better. I begged him to find the
Reuben’s learning difficulty means that
colour in the winter greys.
the hearts and minds of others his learning curve is less pronounced than
mine or yours might be. A psychiatrist came Resources of brotherhood
to visit us to make sure Reuben was safe We had to dig deep and uncover the
It was a roller coaster ride of ups and with me. The authorities were naturally resources of our brotherhood. I felt as if I
downs. He would get better and then concerned for his ongoing welfare. had to enter Reuben ́s state of mind, to
helter-skelter back down to the depths of As comforting as the visit was, the gentle truly understand what it felt like to be a
a depression. He became non-verbal. It expert explained that Reuben had suffered man with Down syndrome, hanging on to
was as if his life source had been a regression and that there was only a 10% his identity in this confused and frightening
sucked dry. chance of “getting him back”. world by the skin of his teeth. It was only
In an attempt to get him settled in a As the psychiatrist drove away, still on entering his state of mind that I could
town we know and love, Reuben entered wearing his mask and PPE, I remember begin to identify a way out of the labyrinth.
a care home in Dorset early in 2020, then sitting on the garden path as my tears It was through walking Dorset ́s
Covid happened. He was totally cut off found the cracks between the paving footpaths in the bleak midwinter that we
from us for months, only able to wave to stones. My brother! My best mate! He began to find a strength to face the
our parents and the occasional visitor really is the fulcrum of my universe and future. On daily walks, I gently reassured Eddy Pearce
through his downstairs bedroom window. I was thrown off kilter. Reuben that his place in this world still

14 Vol 36 No 1 | Autumn 2022 Community Living www.cl-initiatives.co.uk